Saturday, January 21, 2006

Joe Buck can Write as Poorly as he Talks

Here is something from the Sporting News (I couldn’t find it online). Joe Buck occasionally writes columns on his thoughts. Once he wrote about Eli Manning and what a ladies man he could be in New York. This time he writes about the word amazing. Joe Buck doesn’t intend for this to be a serious column, but that doesn’t mean it has to be poorly written or make horrendous points.

Do you know what is amazing? Not much. At least, that’s the way it should be. The very word amazing should describe something spectacular and awe-inspiring. Instead it has lost all of its juice because everyone from actors to food critics had put that word in sentences to which it just does not belong.
Nice lead. Nothing hooks readers like a rhetorical question. Buck is presenting the word amazing like it is an epidemic.

Amazing should not be used to describe the salad bar at Sizzler or turtle cheesecake.
Amazing is for technicolor dreamcoats, not the new Mitsubishi Galant.
Seriously, who goes to Sizzler, let alone raves about the food? Apparently nothing gets Joe’s goat more than medium-priced Steak hyperbole. The Galant is the car equivalent of the Sizzler.

The word should be saved for something truly incredible or inexplicable-like Pauly Shore’s career.
Are you kidding me? That’s the wittiest analogy he has? By Joe’s definition, it is also amazing that people, including Fox executives, think Joe Buck is a number one analyst.

Walking on the moon? Amazing. Geena Davis’ dress for the People’s Choice Awards? Not Amazing. Unless the dress is on Angelina Jolie.
Read this paragraph again and picture Joe Buck elbowing you in the side. That Jolie is smoking hot right…right? He begins his argument by trying to take the high road and then can’t help himself.

How about the job John Fox has done in Carolina? That he never is mentioned in the Coach of the Year conversations is amaz-hard to believe.
Yes Fox is a good coach and rather underrated, what is your point? Also notice the nice “psyche” bit. He almost said amazing.

Amazing was the way the White Sox dominated the postseason and won the World Series. Their starting pitching was amazing.
Actually Joe, since it was the lowest rated World Series ever, I’ll have to take your word for it (all right that was cheap).

It made me feel like I was watching the Yankee’s rotation in the 1950’s or the Orioles in 1969. It was a throwback series, all right. Way back to a time when the word amazing meant something.
Dear Joe, you were born in 1969! You can remember seeing the Yankees and O’s as well as I remember the Big Red Machine.

Amazing is the way the Mets have spent money this offseason to try to get better than the Yankees. I believe they have. They now have a lights out closer and a slugging first baseman. Even if they stop right now, they are the team to beat in the NL.
This column has the shape of an amoeba. Buck gets an idea relevant or not, adds amazing or not amazing, and then wedges it onto the page. Wasn’t Buck’s original thesis that amazing is not regular? The Mets do the same thing every offseason. Sign aging stars to large contracts and neglecting pitching. Further, as long as Carlos Zambrano is their third starter (he is) and the Braves are in the East (they are), the Mets probably won’t win the division, let alone match the Yankees.

Amazing was the way in which the Rose Bowl lived up to the hype. These megaevents often become a never-ending flow of propaganda that makes us eager to watch the game-or to throw up.
Propaganda, something Fox sports wouldn’t dare pushing on its loyal viewers. I would categorize vomit as a disgusting act. Something else Joe Buck is an apparent expert on.

This one came through, so much so that the television ratings for the game were like they used to be when The Cosby Show ruled TV and I wore Zubaz pants.
More witty irreverence from Buck. Just make your point without the pop culture. By the way, Zubaz reached their height in 1991, when Buck was already a professional broadcaster. What in the world are you doing wearing Zubaz?

I am not trying to scare you off the word. I am just saying be judicious. I cringed when I saw Reese Witherspoon on Oprah describing her experience acting alongside Joaquin Phoenix as “amazing”. That set me off.
Now I'm amazingly mad, says Joe. Seriously, there are a lot of things on Oprah that would set me off, but I don’t watch it. If it weren’t for Troy Aikman, a lot of people would do the same to Buck. Mercifully it ends soon.

Walk the Line was awesome, though. Gosh, I love that word.
Walk the Line wasn’t amazing or awesome, it was mediocre. Golly gee, I hate your writing.