Monday, February 20, 2006

Hi, I'm Barry Bonds, and I am the least likeable person on the planet

Okay, so you're saying to yourselves, "Yeah we know that already." But let's be honest, it's fun to blast the people we don't like and isn't Barry on everyone's list?

So it seems that Barry is "contemplating" retirement after the '06 season. I thought I'd offer a little something on good 'ol Fathead's comments.

The Giants slugger told USA Today on Sunday he plans to retire after this season -- with or without the home run record.

"I'm not playing baseball anymore after this," Bonds told the paper in a telephone interview from his California home. "The game [isn't] fun anymore. I'm tired of all of the crap going on. I want to play this year out, hopefully win, and once the season is over, go home and be with my family. Maybe then everybody can just forget about me."

Oh no!!! Barry isn't having fun playing baseball and he's tired of all the crap going on. Crap! We need to fix this and fix it fast. You over their call Jose! You in the Zubaz, get Victor Conte on the phone fast. We need to make this game fun again. Someone log onto Wikipedia and change the entry for "fun" to the following:

fun (phun)
The process whereby a major league baseball player sticks needles in their ass, rubs "flax seed oil" on their junk, and lies to the U.S. Government, all while breaking records held by some of the games biggest legends and acting like they don't care.

Bonds, however, later tried to soften that stance.

"If I can play [in 2007], I'm going to play; if I can't I won't," Bonds said in a story posted Sunday night on after USA Today posted its story. "If my knee holds up, I'll keep on going. I'm playing psychological games with myself right now. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if things don't work out this season. So I go back and forth. Back and forth every day. These are the things that are going through my mind. This is what I'm struggling with."

No Barry, what you're struggling with is the fact that your body is eating itself, because your daily regimen doesn't involve the words "Cream" or "Clear" anymore. Notice that he says this is something that he goes back and forth with on a daily basis and that he doesn't want to set himself up for disappointment. So he must care about playing right? Right?

"I've never cared about records anyway," Bonds told USA Today, "so what difference does it make [if he finishes shy of Aaron's 755 career homers]? Right now, I'm telling you, I don't even want to play next year. Baseball is a fun sport. But I'm not having fun.

I think Barry's been doing coke with Nate Newton. This is why people hate this guy. One minute he's saying he would be disappointed if he couldn't play in '07 and the next he's says stuff like this. And there we go with the "fun" thing again. But Barry you're still proud to be a baseball player right?

"I love the game of baseball itself, but I don't like what it's turned out to be. I'm not mad at anybody. It's just that right now I am not proud to be a baseball player"

You see Barry is that guy that goes back to his 20 year reunion and finds everyone is married and has kids and is settled down to a nice life, and gets pissed that none of his buddies want to drink absinthe and do blow off a hooker's ass. "I loved high school, but hanging out with these guys now is just a real downer."

Guess what Barry? Baseball wised up and realized that it's "stars" were a bunch of frauds and jackasses. They decided it was better to save the game than it was to let players put anything into their bodies to help them hit the ball even farther and throw harder.

"I can't even tell how you many pain pills I am on or how many sleeping pills I'm taking," he told USA Today. "I don't have a choice. I can't even run that much anymore. How can I run? I don't have any cartilage in that knee. I'm bone on bone. But I can still hit. I can rake. I can hit a baseball."

Of course he can't tell us how many pills he's taking. If you weren't worried about records, why would you endanger yourself by going through such a regimen? Because he does care, it's the only thing he does care about.

"When Wayne Gretzky did his thing, how many kids wanted to play hockey? When Michael Jordan played, how many kids said they wanted to be the next Michael Jordan? Hopefully, some kid out there will watch me, thinking he can do what I did and become a good baseball player, too"

Hmm yes Barry, you're exactly like these guys. A shining example of what our kids should strive to be like. I mean just read this next comment and you'll see why...

"I'm clean, I've always been clean," said Bonds, who has repeatedly denied knowingly taking steroids. "But it never ends. It seems like every reporter from last season to this season has reported and opened up a new can of [expletive]. And I haven't even been to spring training. At least let me get to spring training and [expletive] up before you crucify me."

Awesome. And classy to boot. The problem with that Barry is that you haven't always been clean. You rubbed some business on yourself and your former trainer pleaded guilty to conspiracy and laundering and told the world that you used banned substances. So pardon me if I tell you to SHUT THE [expletive] UP!

"They say I didn't lose weight. Well, you know what? I am still big. I'm fat [6-feet-2, 230 pounds]. I can't do much. I can't train like I used to. So the weight stays. I'm just not a skinny person, dude, I'm not. I never will be."

"Don't get me wrong. I love Michael Jordan, and I respect Michael Jordan. But I never wanted all that attention."

Barry, you're starting to get mixed up. I forgot that the little known by-product of sticking needles in your ass, is Alzheimers.

"All I know is that I'm trying to get to the World Series again. I want that ring. So I don't want to sit on no bench. When I sit on the bench, I hurt my teammates. I want to win.

Barry! I just got a call from Jeff Kent and he agrees with you.

"Is it going to cost me in endorsements? Whoop-de-doo. I never had any endorsements, anyways. I don't base my life on that. I go to work like every other American."

Yes you do Barry. Just like all of us average Joe's. You are the epitome of working class. I don't care what they say about you , you're alright in my book. God bless you Fathead!