If I Ran the Olympic Opening Ceremonies

Hi everyone welcome to the Olympics. So the Games will start tomorrow, Breakfast is at 8-ish, curling will start at 9.. Please be nice to everyone, don't take anything illegal and have a good time. Kevin James is going to tell some jokes, Vince Neil will sing some songs and then we'll have a go at the skeleton course...If that didn't work here are some other suggestions for future Olympic committees:

Don’t Try to Reinvent the Wheel
I am all for pomp and circumstance as long as it is in moderation. Briefly educate me on the culture of the country (otherwise it’s up to the overzealous Bob Costas to pelt us with facts). Basically keep things simple. Showcase national heroes or historical figures.

Can the Cute Singing Little Girl
The Olympics have sucked this well dry. It no longer tugs at my heart. For a curveball let’s try a senile old man. Lower on the cute factor, but a high degree of unpredictability.

No Interpretive Dancing
This one is strict with no wiggle room. I don’t care about passion or intangible Olympic spirits. You shouldn’t have to think too hard about why there is a guy with wings, tights and an eagle head.

No Futuristic Music
This goes in hand with no interpretive dancing. Let’s leave the Herbie Hancock at home. If opening ceremonies are for a glimpse into the host country’s history, play domestic music. Musical corollary: If the Games are in Italy, something besides Donna Summer and Michael Jackson is in order. If the Games are in Detroit, something besides Donna Summer and Michael Jackson is in order.

Feature the Athletes
There are two weeks to feature the stars and medal winners. The majority of the people marching have no illusions of winning. Some of the greatest stories are the single athlete representing their country.

Make your Mark with the Torch
The archer in Barcelona, a ski jumper in Lillehammer, Muhammed Ali in Atlanta and Cathy Freeman in Sydney were all memorable and unique.