R!D!HHH!'s Official Super Bowl XL Commentary

I'm not sure what I've gotten myself into by deciding to do this but I'm going to give it a go anyways. I've seen this done for other things like the Academy Awards on other sites, but never have I seen one for the Super Bowl.

So here's the skinny: I wish this could be updated in real time but since I don't have a laptop with a wireless card and I refuse to move my G5 into the living room to do this (Hey I'm not getting paid for this alright) you'll have to deal with a once a quarter update.

What to expect? A lot of typos. A lot of short sentences and quite possibly some things that won't even make sense. I'll try my best to accurately dictate anything Madden or Michaels say, but I am not the worlds greatest typist and, well I don't really care if it's spot on either. Oh yes, and hand cramping. I am hydrating as we speak and hope that I can make it through the entirety of the game. (Sports cliche in 3...2...1...) This is a marathon, not a sprint. And I am ready to face the ultimate test.

For those of you expecting/hoping/dying to read comments from Mike, know he wanted ever so badly to join the fun. But alas, he has been relegated to hors d'oeuvre making and playing happy hostess for a Super Bowl party.

Alright, well it's just a shade past 3:00 CST and the festivities (the real ones, not pregame, which started at like 5am.) will be starting in a couple hours. I need to get some refreshments (read: Pizza Rolls, soda, etc.) stat. Hope you have fun reading this.

Okay here we go…

Pre-Kickoff:

MVP bit…Oh yeah Desmond Howard. Mark Rypien! Go Grambling…Doug Williams. Go away Jerry Rice. Joe Namath is drunk, “I wanna kiss you!”

Commercial Break:

Blockbuster Online? Go Netflix. Boo Blockbuster!


Team intros:

Seahwaks look ragged. Oh man there’s so many Steeler fans there. Oh yeah Bettis leads it out. Man they look so much more jacked up.

Dr. John and Aaron “What’s that thing on my eyebrow” Neville. ARETHA! This isn’t working for me, sorry. The beat thing is weird. Okay, Aretha loves the fur! Okay the choir is a nice touch. Too much, this is going overboard.

Polamalu! He looks like he just got his hair DID!

Commercial Break

New Sandler movie, “Slow it down…” Oh man that’s good.
Jessica Simpson oh man that's bad, it’s just getting worse. Once again Pizza Hut finds away to completeely and unnecessaraly re-invent pizza.
Disneyworld…no thanks on that one.
Seuss! What? Harrison Ford has a goatee. This is weird. Someone was on a bender when they approved this one. Franco Harris looks like MR. Kotter. This is just freaking me out. Just shut up Harrison and make Indy 4!!!

Pittsburgh just looks so loose, this is all speculation. Polamalu hair mentioned for the first time.

Captains. SCOBEE. Joey Porter looks like he’s going to eat someone.

Tom Brady? He’s flipping the coin? That’s just dumb. Luke was right they’re trying to get the Pats in whenever they can. Seattle Wins toss. Receives. Alexander gets a chance first.

Bettis story mention. Stevens/Porter story. Good grief that was the lamest trash talking ever. A non story. Suzy needs to tone it down a b it, where’s Namath! Get her a shot!

Commercial Break
Please stop with the Blockbuster, no one cares. Geez they paid a bunch of money this crappy spot?

Start of the 1st Quarter

Polamalu whiffs on a tackle. Bobby Engram stop with the EZ thing. D Jack? Darrell stop it. They’re moving fast with the huddle. Another pass to Jackson. Is that Brad Johnson at QB? Quick out city. Alexander eaten alive by KIMO. Is this working, I hope so.

Pittsburgh D intro. SACK. That broke down quick.

Commercial Break

Hiding Bud Lights…eehhhh. Not good.
Whopperettes? Gimme Hootie or the King. Dumb commercial, just dumb.

Back to the game

False start. Willie Parker stuffed, back to his 2.5 avergae once again. Bad middle screen, LOFA kills it. 3rd and 14…False start again. Better settle down, Madden’s right they shouldn’t have a problem witht the snap. Not enough. That’s a bad start by Pittsburgh. Go go Gardocki! 
What are they chanting?

Commercial Break

Jim Gaffigan rules. He needs his own commercial. Sprite commercials need help. Oh it’s Kathy Griffin.
Bud Light is another dumb one.
16 Blocks, I really like Mos Def. Bruce Willis looks like Holmgren

Back to the game

KIMO. He’s having a nice start. That’s a good matchup with he and Walter Jones. Jackson again. Steelers are playing off the ball a lot that could burn them. OH Charlie Beeotch siting. No hand cramps yet, I hydrated well. 4 wideouts, holding…bring it back. Farrior would’ve had Hasselbeck if he didn’t get held/choked. 3rd and 16. Bad bad pass, could’ve had it picked easily. That was a bad read. Rouen married an Olympian

Commercial Break

Toyota Hybrid…that was weird
Dinosaurs…hehe “you’re fired”. He get’s crushed, best commrcial so far.
Bud light again. Bad again…horrible!

Back to the game

Stop saying your HS that's annoying. Parker doesn’t look good going to the edge. No catch. Wow another 3 and out. They have no spark at all. Madden’s right they both look tight on offense. Nice return.

Commercial Break.

V for VENDETTA!!! Oh this is going to kick some ass.
Jay Mohr yay!…Diddy uggh. Oh geez “Brown and Bubbly” man this sucks. Am I supposed to be excited?
Polamalu looks funny holding that trophy. Okay that’s a cool bit.

Back to the game:

JACKSON again, man that’s 5 catches. Still playing off the ball, they need to man it up a bit more. JOE Jurevicious!!! I think he could be a factor if they let him be. Called for the flag and he got one!!! Jackson pushed off, ehhh not a real good call, but he did push a little. Alexander stuffed! Jackson would’ve had a tD without a push-off. Alexander stuffed again. I have a feeling this is gonna be a low scoring game. There’s nothing there around the edge. OH he almost had that on the way down. Bad throw by 
Hasselbeck, it just hung up there. Field GOAL for the Seahwaks.

Seahawks 3 Pittsburgh 0

Commercial Break.

NIMOY!!! SPOCK!!! Aleve..bad spot but Spock made it okay
Ameriquest…dumb.
Bud Light…man it’s just badness all over the place for Bud
LOST is awesome, if you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and rent the 1st season.

Back to the game:

Mike Logan is hurt, NOOOO not that. Polamalu won’t come out of the game if he breaks his leg Theisman style. He wasn’t hurt this week, that was just a thing to trip up the Seahwaks. Madden on Lofa, here we go Mike. Reminds him of Singletary, wow those are big shoes to fill. Good no call on the overthrow. Just shoulder, no helmets.

End of the 1st Quarter

2nd Quarter:

Missed a drive dealing with this stupid laptop that turns off at any random movement.

Commercial Break:

Greys Anatomy SUCKS, it’s not ER, stop trying to be.

I think I heard a commercial for CARS, I love love love The Incredibles.

Back to the game:

Bettis, no parental shot. I think they want to change up the pace a little. Stuffed…man they are playing tough. 3rd and 8. Nice catch by Randle El. That’s the Steelers first 1st down? Wow, it only took a full quarter to get it. Ohh end around, Wistrom got completely sucked in and Ward breaks it off ofor a nice one.

Commercial Break.

Monkeys rule. Oh “Come on Feel the Noise!”
Escalade, that’s okay a little over the top don’t you think?


Back to the game

Nice camera work, PICKED! Bad pass, he completely underthrew it! Boulware just plays centerfield.

Commercial Break

Hoffman playing a baddy, that’s awesome. Oh no more Tom. Yess he got blown into the car. MI3, directed by JJ Abrams from Alias. Could be good.
Something with a bunch of girls. True Colors
The Evidence, could be good, Orlando Jones is fun to watch.

Back to the game

Madden seems to be on so far. Nothing too absurd. Steelers are tentative, that’s a good call Al. Is he compaing Proter to LT??? I hope note. Max Strong has played for 13 years? Wow that’s a nice career. Going to the Pro Bowl. Gotta punt that thing. Why would they even think about that? That’s the first no-brainer commmentary of the night. Oh man Randle El got smoked!!! Fumble?

Commercial Break

Chris Berman and the Shaggy Dog….Oh shit that’s bad.
Now we’re talking KERMIT. that's a nice little bit about “Bein Green” simple but fun.
Mich Ultra, yeah hitting women that’s funny, oh she hits him …originality, yeah great….LAME!!!!
“Pillar of strength” okay Ben it’s a trophy not a friggin idol or something.

Back to the game

Parker stuck. Oohh “pulling his pants down”, someone mark the tape for that Suzy quote. Oh Al got his 1980 Miracle on Ice reference in. Ben shovel pass. To Ward, tnice move, no Favre mention Madden? Wow that’s restraint. Parker stuffed again. He’s not the guy tonight. Wow I thought that was going to get picked. Threaded the needle on that one. Ward could’ve had that one. Steelers finally showing some offensive spark. The Bus gets upended to soon. Ben eaten up by Wistrom. Go Nebraska. “He’s got the motor, 110%” Yay for Madden cliches. How was he open???? Oh my gosh. Nice play by Ben to stay behind the line for the throw. That’s a breakdown for the Seahawks there.

Commercial Break

Go Daddy. Oh I get it she’s got big boobs, and you might see them. Wow, that’s smart TV.

Back to the game

“Bettis coming home”. BLEGH! CLICHES Al. Should’ve run a naked bootleg on that 2nd down. Everyone is thinking Bettis, just let Ben run it in.

Commercial Break

Poseidon!!! Gotta lover the disaster movies.
5 BLADES!!! OMFG!!! It’s the best ever…..I puked a little in my mouth.

Back to the game

Bettis again or no? BEN TD!!! That’s a weird play. He wasn’t in. Review it!!!!! Review It!!!! No way he was in. You gotta review it upstairs.

Commercial Break

Overstock.com…LAME…Go Quty!

Back to the game

I don’t think he was in. I don’t think he broke the plane of the goal line, but it could go either way. TD stands….that could be a big call in the end. PAT is good.

Seahawks 3 Pittsburgh 7

Commercial Break

Disney, Kelsey Grammar. Whatever
Cowher…he could kill me with his ‘stache.

Back to the game

Cowhers wife is in the Congo on a mission trip, that’s cool. Ref is getting a little hoarse. Madden is chuckling about the arm slap on the holding call, that’s classic Madden. Crowd is almost all Steeler fans! Nice catch Joe!!! No huddle. Polamalu isn’t making as big an impact it seems. This is kind of a boring game so far. Hopefully better in the 2nd half. Engram with a catch. DEEP TD?!?!?!? Oh man that was close. Oh man get your foot in!!! You can make that play man. Timeout Steelers. Alexander up the middle, only a few, bad call indeed. Gotta pass that. BAD BAD BAD clock management Seattle. You have to trust the call. You can’t audible like that in the 2 minute drill. That’s another bad pass. Double coverage and out of bounds. They blew that drive to hell. Man, Al and John are right, that’s bad news. Cowher needs to find a way to get Parker or Bettis going. Holmgren angry at the officals, wow that’s live TV. Suzy gets run over by a stampede.

End of the 1st half

Halftime

Analysis is what I thought it would be. Obviously no one wants to say it, but this has been a boring ass game.

Addicted to Lost…wow that was dumb.

Stones…man that sounds horrible. “Start me up”, I can do without this. The sound is just attrocious. You can’t hear anything. SKIP SKIP SKIP Mick! The crowd looks so nonplussed it’s not even funny. Where’s Aretha, oh that’s right she’s in the locker next to Kimo getting ready for the 2nd half. “Rough Justice” is this a new song? New material for halftime?!?!?! Keith, why didn’t you do Pirates of the Carribean 2? Geez this song sucks! I think an XXXL woman though her panties at Mick. “We could’ve sange this one at Super Bowl 1”, that’s a good line, and holy crap, he’s right. I think they just stopped playing the song and started doing whatever they wanted with their intruments. Holy cow, Jagger is just doing dances now. It’s sweatin’ to the oldies! It’s done. I was hoping we’d have a little wardrobe malfunction with Keith, but I guess not.

Man I’m getting tired fingers. This is a tough thing to do. My computer which is one of those old iBooks with the colors has a bad charging thing and is prone to shutting off at any moment.

Is it just me or are they trying to market Grey’s Anatomy as something totally different than they have in the past. It looks like a totally different show!

I am officially done with Chris Berman. The schtick is old and tired and his takes are just not that good….YOU SUCK CHRIS! WHOOP!

Okay the trophy intro things are getting a little old now. They could have just put them all together in one thing and had it be way more effective, but it loses it’s luster after a bunch of them.

I’m starting to wish that this was on Fox. How much better would it be.

Suzy tells a story. The moral of that story is that Matt Hasselbeck likes to audible. Michelle Tafoya deserves to have a job somewhere as a talk show host or something on the radio. She is just spot on all the time.

Bettis is miked up….oh man I could listen to that stuff all day instead of announcers.

Start of the 2nd Half

Ward should have caught that. That’s one thing I have noticed with him is that he’s dropped some balls that were easy. Parker up the middle and he HOUSES IT. That’s the play they’ve been waiting for. 3 wides and only one safety and Fanaca (sp?) blows a guy up for a long one!

Seahwaks 3 Steelers 14

Commercial Break

Ameriquest, kind of funny, but not too funny. Don’t judge too quickly? What does that have to do with financial things
Motorola, fine.
Sharpie, kind of funny with the pirate bit. Could have been funnier if I had written it….Sorry I need a new job.

Back to the game

Seahawks need a big play to sting back. That’s not going to work. The Steelers are just to fast at LB to dump to the flats. I’m telling you man they need to get throwing more. Where’s Stevens???? He hasn’t cuaght a pass yet. Aww man that could’ve been huge if that was Alexander, but Strong got some yards. Polamalu blitzed and missed. There he goes, Alexander rips off a nice one. There’s Stevens. Should have had that one. Shut yer yap Stevens, and make a play. Alexander up the gut. Madden is right they need to have a cut back type play. That would catch them off guard. 3rd and 5. WHAT WAS THAT? Bad pass or bad route? BOTH! 50 yard attempt. MISSED IT.

Commercial Break

Budweiser…okay that’s a good one
FABIO!!!! Okay that was lame again
NFL Mobile, oh what’s his name Carl….I should know that…Carl somebody.

Back to the game

Dyson out. Ward got that one. Wow I take it back. Bettis goes with it. Where’s Heath Miller??? They need to get him into this. Ward again, they’re picking on the new guy Herndon. MAN…..they are picking up that blitz now and go the other way with Bettis. That’s nice work. Mix it up a little bit, man. All Bettis all the time. How bout a little play-action bootleg.

Commercial Break

ROBOT!!! Pregnant monster. Hummer? This is obscene how stupid these commercials are.
PS??? P.S.- You’re commercial sucked!

Back to the game

3rd and 6…PICKED AND RUNNING IT BACK!!!!! Aww man bad pass. Seattle needs to capitalize on this. This might be their chance. That was 6 if Engram is looking. Missed call. STEVENS TD!!! Take that Porter…hehehe. Wow Polamalu got picked a little there.

Seahawks 10 Steelers 14

Commercial Break

More monkeys! Jackasses…that’s funny stuff.
T-Bell, good song, bad spot.
Slim-Fast!!! “Goodbye Roll Hello Control!”, okay you need to stop wasting money.
Hasselbeck trophy bit, getting really old now.

Back to the game

They did capitalize on the INT and they needed to. Madden is breaking it down. Nice route by Stevens, he played it exactly right to wait. “Amazing turn of events for Seattle”, well no, they got a turnover and used it to score. Trying to bust Parker again, not gonna work this time. Parker needs to hit the hole faster. He has a little Michael Bennett in him in the dancing bit. Rocky Bernard is out, that’s big. Madden wants to see Rocky with his pants down. Cheeky Johnny!

Commercial Break

Anthony Hopkins, The Worlds Fastest Indian…this looks kind of good. Bad voice on the spot though.
Tacoma gets tossed around. The meteor one was way better, if you haven’t seen that one that’s cool.

Back to the game

Stevens dropped, where’s Jackson??? DEEEEEP. That’s not a good call. He’s not a speed guy to get that one in there. Like going to Joe though. Short on 3rd down. Randle El, pretty nice return. Grey’s Anatomy in the mold of Desperate Housewives and Lost??? Okay fine. No Commercial Break, must be caught up. Ben rushes and is stuck pretty hard. More Lofa pimping. Seattle comes up big again. 3 and out! I think Ben might be hurt a little. Best punt of the game. Downed at the 3. No commercials again, we’re just gonna keep going! Alexander up the middle. Nice run by Hasselbeck. Nice blocking by Engram. TE into the flat, ohh it’s the exciting West Coast Offense. Caught by the 2nd TE again. Hannam for Prez. Engram with a nice catch. Eeew bad pass.

Better quarter there.

End of the 3rd Quarter

Beginning of the 4th Quarter

Missed some plays, Seattle continues it’s drive. Nice catch by Stevens, but holding penalty at the line. They’ve gotten back to their bread and butter and it’s working….Until now, there’s a sack. WOW, that was a nice move by Hampton, he just pushed him out of the way with one hand. Nice run by Alexander, more speed than I thought he had. Nice tackle by Porter though. INT, that’s a horriblbe pass. This is the Hasselbeck I know.

Commercial Break

Degree, kinnd of funny stuntman
Emerald Nuts needs a new bit.
WINGS!!! Paul McCartney, that’s a nice spot.
OHH We’ve got a Selick siting.

Back to the game

That is a bad call on Hasselbeck. But he deserves it for thorwing that pass!!! That was poop. They could send Randle El deep, he could smoke them I think. Nice call, QB sneak. Of course it’s a designed play. 1st and 10 WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW, that was perfect play. That was the one they were holding on to. What a nice pass by Randle El. He couldn’t have thrown that any better and it was on the run, WOW.

Seahawks 10 Steelers 21

Commercial Break

Budweiser…who cares at this point
Pirates of the Carribean 2!!! First one was okay, this looks like fun though.
MacGuyver!!!!!! He looks old, but that was cool!!!
Avert your eyes it’s dancing with the stars. MASTER P is on that show.

Back to the game

Nice block by Ben on the TD! Man that was a good play. Seattle needs a big play. They look shaken. Nice run by Hass….FUMBLE. Don’t rule him down, let them review it. Good challenge by Seattle. That’s a good call by the officials too.

Commercial Break

We’re getting to the repeats now. Mobile ESPN seems cool, but I think it’s a rip off for how much it costs.
Honda Ridgeline, not too good, although a nice Yosemite Sam siting.
Budweiser , nice commercial
Kimmel!!! That’s’ Funny.

Back to the game

Nice call by the refs, they’re doing a pretty nice job tonight. Alexander gobbled up by Hampton. Seattle needs to get it going here. Keep Jurevicuis in the game, they’re playing off him. Going to him again…bad throw. That’s kind of Hasselbeck’s MO. There’s something brewing here… maybe. SACKED!!! 4th down. Field Goal??? Man that’s a blown assignment. Okay they’re too far out now. It’s not looking good for Seattle.

Commercial Break

World Baseball Classic….JOKE OF A BIT. This is going to lame. They could have done a lot better with that thing. Hi I’m Cuba, I’m playing, no I’m not, yes I am. You won’t let me? Screw you!

Menards rules and it smells funny too

Back to the game

Time to run the clock down. Bettis stopped. Pittsburgh in the drivers seat and can do what they want right now. I wanna see Bettis get one in the endzone. Gotta pass here….Timeout Steelers. Charlie Beeotch siting #2!!! Nice play. Foreign object? Madden’s getting silly. Oh yeah he made the Hall this weekend. That’s cool he deserves it. Big 1st down. Bettis rumbles again. Steelers are moving now. 3:50 left in the game, things are getting tight for the Seahawks. Bettis trips and it’s 3rd and short. “It aint no different than week 1!” Nice! YES!!! That’s the call they should have run in the 1st half for the TD. Should be a 1st down. Yep. Hasselbeck looks like he knows it’s over. Cowher is pumped. That’s cool! More tough yards from Bettis. I don’t think we’ve seen Mr and MRs. Bettis one time, WOW unexpected. Bettis stuffed. “Soak in every minute…and by some Isotoners while your at it.” 4th down and it’s the 2 minute warning.

Commercial Break

Lots of exlposions and guns. Lame looking movie Running Scared.
Outback commercials suck. Cook your steaks longer you beeotchs…Okay I’m getting ornery now.

Bettis trophy bit, cool. Fine.

Back to the game

Gardocki looks like he should be in Firehouse. Seattle needs to go quick here. That’s not gonna work. Over the middle? JOE!!! There we go. That’s nice. Could’ve run it for ten yards at least and spiked the ball. That was a wasted play. Nice blocking…bad pass by Hasselbeck. Man what was that? 3rd and 10. Another bad pass, tipped maybe? Paul Allen, “I’m rich, you’re not.” 1st down! Gotta be thinking about taking a shot right now. Man that’s a crap play. TY CARTER in on it!!! That a way. Carter nice play!!! Steelers are gonna win!!!!!

NICE Cowher that’s cool!!!! STEELERS WIN!!!! 21-10!!! Cowher is looking for Holmgren, that’s cool he’s just waiting for him . Bettis family!!!! There they are. Cowher still waiting. Moustaches UNITE!!! Holmgren get your ass over to Cowher.

I gotta say that the 2nd half was way better than the 1st. In the end it just seemed like Pittsburgh had more to play with than Seattle. Who would I choose as the MVP? Boy that's tough. No one player stands out in my mind. I guess Roethlesberger would be there, I guess they go with Hines Ward. Whatever. "I coudn't of did it without my teammates." No Randle-El threw you a hell of pass and the coaches called a helluva play and you ran the route you were supposed to. Oh good just what he needs an Escalade. How bout some computers for under-priviledged kids... A-holes. It's good to see The Bus up there. "The Buses last stop is here in Detroit!" That's awesome.

Overall, I thought when it came down to it, Pittsburgh was able to dominate that line of scrimmage and hold Alexander to a modest effort. That put Hasselbeck in the position where he had to make plays and his mediocrity shown through towards the end. As for the Steelers, I think they did it just like they did for the last 7 games. A balanced, steady offense and an over powering, speedy defense that rarely made mistakes. They took away the outside in the second half and made Seattle push it vertically, a game which they don't play well. Not the most exciting of games, but not the most boring either.

Well I think I’m gonna call that a wrap. I guess there’s a lot to comment on. Sorry if this was too random or scattershot. This was an experiment and I don’t know if it was cool or not. I am going to go pass out now. For all those people who thought a big man couldn’t run a marathon like this I proved you wrong!!! Well have at it my friends. Thanks for reading!!!